Love Always Remains

These people used to define my daily life.

Always Where I Need to Be

   It really seems as though things are over between Mr. Fantasy and me. And I'm... okay. I always forget that when I adjust to life without him, it's tolerable and even fun. I get so wrapped up in him and our relationship that I isolate myself in it and forget how absolutely wonderful everyone else in my life is. Plus, I've been reconnecting with a lot of girls from high school and that's been really fantastic.
   I haven't heard from Simon in about a week; I spent the better part of a week inventing excuses to break our plans, until finally leaving his texts unanswered. It appears as if he has given up. I really hope so. (Yes, I feel like a bitch about this. No, I have nothing to say for myself.)
   As I mentioned, Bobby McGee and I had a pretty emotional (read: wasted) discussion in which we resolved our disagreements and broke through the distance. Finally. My life feels back on track.
   I applied to a new school last week; in the same city as my current school, but with my new program. (This is the third time I'll be changing majors: I started college as a Journalism major, switched to English Education for about a half of a semester, and now am going for Urban and Public Policy. Third time's the charm?) This will also put me at the same school as Johnny, who has already promised to give me a tour. (Granted, he promised that after given the ultimatum: He gives me a tour or I call him three times a week mid-panic attack asking for directions. And I'm really, really, really, really bad with directions.)
   This is pushing Portland further back, but now I'm thinking I should finish school in New York state, where I get the tuition of a resident, and then go to Oregon after college, which has been my plan since high school. I'm terribly fickle though, so we'll see.
   And I have a job interview tomorrow! (Could my waste of life status be changing?! Or, at least the severity of my waste-ness could be lessening?! We'll see!) I'm interviewing to be a waitress in a coffee shop a few blocks from where I live. I'm hoping I get that, although the business also has an ice cream shop where they may place me, and I wouldn't mind that either. I'm crossing my fingers!
   Also, about that friend of Bobby McGee's I mentioned in my last post (the one I argued with)- feeling remorseful for my bad attitude, I apologized and promised him next time he's in town I'll throw a party in his honor. (I love throwing parties. It's way better than going to them, because I get to be in charge of everything AND I get to make lists, and I'm a crazy control freak with a list-writing obsession.) He then reminded me that both Esther and I had essentially abused the hell out of him the entire night (me verbally, and her physically). I had totally forgotten that until he mentioned it, and suddenly I was inundated with memories of her punching the hell out of him repeatedly in various locations over a period of several hours. I apologized for her as well, and silently thanked the universe that the conversation was taking place over the internet and not in person, where he would have been less inclined to take my apology, the sincerity of which would have been diluted by laughter at the memories of how bad ass Esther truly is.
   Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know: I'm alive. And happy :)

An Atlas to Follow

   I found a new direction and I finally feel like I have something to look forward to again. I've been so adrift for the past six months, but now I have a plan and I'm so excited and grateful for it. I haven't felt this right about something since I was 17 and first decided where to go to college.
   Despite the fact that I only spent a year and a half there, I wholeheartedly feel that I made the right decision for myself at the time. I'm not sure if coming home was right or not, but I'm a firm believer in not dwelling on things that can't be changed. 
   So: A new coast, a new major, a new life. Oregon, I'm coming! Slowly but surely. Make sure there's a Mountain Man for me.

World Spins Madly On

       Opportunity has never hesitated to present itself, graciously, paths lying sweetly before me.  I stroll blithely down them, smiling at the scenery, enjoying the trip.  Every so often, when presented with a choice, I get a nervous feeling, like if I pick the wrong one, will this crumble?  I shrug the worry away, shake it off like a cobweb, and stumble through whichever path feels right.  And I never doubt myself.  I never question if I'm in the right place or if I should have gone the other way.  Of course not.  If I was supposed to go in a different direction, surely I would have.  I succumb mindlessly to the whims of myself, feeling guided by some higher power, the natural balance of the universe directing me hither and thither.  I wander carelessly with little thought to consequence.
     I remember knowing.  The invincibility of myself made me delirious.  The infallibility, the barely existent threat of consequences I knew I would never meet; surely there were no punishments for someone so obviously led.  So obviously led to lead, to accomplish.  "To accomplish what," I should have asked.  How unfathomable that would be to me then- the idea that the world wouldn't bend over backwards to accommodate me was subversive, unthinkable!  The proper course of action presented itself regularly, promptly, simply and with little effort.
     Omnipresent beneath the guileless naivety was the creeping question I buried, hoping it would never resurface.  What happens when all of this stops?  What about when the universe moves on?


     This, I guess.

Here in the Going, Going, Gone

   Each step I take, it haunts me.  These are the last I will take here.  I lament my legs' every motion, as they propel me forward.  Watching the sunlight play on the frozen pond, realization sinks to the bottom of my stomach and settles there.  I will never take this walk home again.  I smile wistfully, recalling a hot day spent splashing and laughing in the pond with an open-eyed musician I should have gotten to know better.  And my final encounter on this trail with that beautiful Nature Boy I never got enough time with.
   This sketchy little city was perfect.  I remember my first night here, still debating the move.  Falling asleep, I knew my mind was made up.  This was it.  This place would belong to me.
   And it did.  From the moment I set foot in the North Country I knew it was mine.  From the vague, idealized concept to the chaotic reality of a vision actualized, every single detail was precisely what I had imagined.  This was the very first place my dreams ever came true.
   I could weave meandering, awestruck paragraphs detailing the people I met and what I managed to absorb from them in the too-fleeting moments of the year and a half I spent basking in the frigid air, but I'm too self-absorbed to bother.  That's not what I'm dwelling on as I pack my things and leave.  I'm thinking about myself.
    The soles of my feet will miss the sloping streets of this town, exploring and parading through them.  I feel a soft ache seep through them as they become conscious of the loss.  My bones will miss the bitter, biting cold that cut straight through to them, ruthlessly.
   I'm so thankful for what this place gave me.  Each of the 500 miles between myself and the rest of my life provided me with the beautiful, overwhelming opportunity to escape.  Outside the confines of expectations, I was finally able to examine myself and differentiate between who I am and who I had always assumed I should be.
   I am aware that college does this for everyone.  I don't think the universalness of the experience detracts from its significance. 
   What I leave with is gratitude.  Immense, flooding, staggering gratitude.  I watch the scenery disappear into nostalgia with a forlorn smile, mouthing Thank you, lovely.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  For every single moment.  Thank you for being exactly where I needed you to be, exactly when I needed you to be there.  Thank you for belonging to me.  Thank you for allowing me to need you.  Thank you for being everything I needed.  Thank you for being my idea come to life.  Thank you for being exactly where I belonged.
   And the knowledge that I'm not meant to be there anymore.  At some point I needed to confront myself.  And you made me do it.  And I will never forget that.  I may forget everything else.  But I will never forget that.
   I return home.  To reunite.  To reassess.  To recover, recuperate, rediscover, release, reform, rekindle.  Reconnect.  To become more than a stranger to my niece and nephew, yammering toddlers now, though I left them cooing infants.  Every inch they've grown without me has torn my heart out.  I want to snatch those sweet, smushy babies back from the cruel hands of time and start over.  I want every missed month back.  Though I needed those months in the merciless, forgiving mountains.
   Someday I will find somewhere else I belong.  I will again imagine a place into being and then immerse myself in it.  I will step into my fantasy-turned-reality and know This is it.  This is me.  This is perfect.  Until then, I am here, home, missing those beautiful goddamn mountains.  Home alone to contend with my illusions and delusions.  But I finally know the difference.