Almost Lover

   Well readers, here I am, tail between my legs, to confess my drunken foolishness.

   Tuesday night, Esther & I went out to the bar. We invited that guy I mentioned who liked me and then didn't like me so much and told him to text her if he wanted to meet us. Eventually he called her and asked to meet her at a store about a block away. Just her.
   I immediately began freaking the ef out, convinced he was going to tell her how annoying I am and why would she ever hang out with me, et cetera. She drunkly reassured me that this was a good sign.
   I stayed at the bar with a few girlfriends who were also there while she left. About fifteen minutes later, she texted me saying his ex girlfriend had showed up.
   Long story short: He went somewhere in her car with her while she waited in the parking lot and I waited at the bar. Already more intoxicated than I should have been, I nervously started pouring drunks down my throat with a speed that, in a contest, would have been impressive and garnered applause. Unfortunately, I was not participating in such a contest, and was actually just sitting at a table singing D'yer Mak'er really, really passionately. For over an hour. 
   Finally, Esther returned. Alone. She said he had forgotten something at home and was getting it and then coming to meet us. I mumbled something about exhaustion and she suggested leaving to meet him.
   When we did, I was wasted, exhausted and bitter about having been kept waiting for such a ridiculous period of time, so my contribution to the conversation mainly went like this: "I need to go to bed. I'm so tired. I need to go to bed." with the occasional aside about having been at the bar alone for over an hour. (I wasn't actually alone, but he didn't know that, and at the time, I didn't feel he needed to.)
   We did return to the bar, and he kept a noticeable distance from me. Esther whispered to me that they hadn't had the chance to talk before his ex showed up, and that all he had said was that he "doesn't want to date anyone right now."
   In my mental state, I took this as a personal affront and was devastated by it. We sat in the back room, the three of us, and eventually were joined by this old ass pervy guy I worked with in high school. He sat next to me and blatantly stared at my boobs until finally asking "Did you ever work at Water Street?" 
   "The Clarkson House," I slurred, dropping my head between my hands.

   Suddenly, Esther and I were alone at the table together and I felt my eyes get teary. My exhaustion and misery had collided, with this awful result. She consoled me and I managed to pull it together by the time the object of my drunken unrequited love returned. He immediately began asking me what was wrong, and I insisted nothing.

   When we finally left, he walked us home. All I really remember about this trip was making some weird comment that didn't make sense that may or may not have included this little gem: "Sometimes I think that's the reason boobs exist, it's so fucking cold."  I don't remember what my reason for the existence of boobs was, but I do recall that my comment on the weather was completely unrelated to the beginning of the thought, and I got confused looks from both Esther and our male companion.
   When we got back home, he & I ended up outside alone together, and I started drunkenly rambling about how embarrassed I was and how unlike me this was, which is true. I know you're all remembering this ridiculous night and not believing me, but really guys, I'm not usually that girl.
   This conversation I remember little of, although I do recall saying something to the extent of "I'm kind of into you." and him offering some lengthy reply about having trust issues. The thought of someone explaining trust issues to me as I was unfamiliar with them was funny to me, and I may have laughed, which I'm sure was offensive and made him think I was even more of a crazy bitch than he already thought I was.

   I eventually went inside and totally fell apart, fortunately without witnesses. I realized suddenly that I was finally upset about the engagement I had been ignoring, as well as the fact that Bobby up & left for school without so much as a goodbye. Then, when I asked him if he was coming home for my birthday (which is on a Friday night, and it's barely an hour drive), he just said "No, I don't think I'm going to do that. This was especially offensive because I was 500 miles away for his past two birthdays, and I spent whole days and hundreds of dollars on public transportation to surprise him BOTH years. (And I bought him a good luck present for the coming year! It's this really awesome hat he would have totally loved. He isn't going to get it anymore though, because seriously, dick move. Times two.)

   I woke up the next morning and went to a job interview (I've been to 3 this past week!) and then went home and wrote an apology message via facebook for my drunken antics. I tried to sound as rational as possible, and explained my lack of emotional intelligence and how feelings confuse me and I need time to process them. I went on to say that, because I was drunk, rather than contain my emotions and determine where they were coming from, I simply started guessing out loud what the problem was, and projected my unhappiness onto him because he happened to be present.

   That was over 24 hours ago. No response yet. He thinks I'm a grade-A nutjob. There goes that, I guess.

   Next?

Don't Phunk With My Heart

   Can I be honest with you guys?

   I'm taking your silence as a yes.

   I'm totally fucked, you guys. Like... completely, unbelievably, insanely F-U-C-K-E-D.

   So this guy I mentioned staying up until seven in the morning with? How he seemed interested, then not-so-interested? I haven't heard from him since the night he seemed uninterested, unless you count me writing on his facebook and him answering, but that's a little desperate, isn't it? And I am freaking. obsessing. my. life. away. Like... looking through pictures he was tagged in on facebook and deepening my infatuation ON PURPOSE. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

   He's kind of fascinating, guys. I don't know what my life is right now, but I'm pretty sure that I'm failing at it.

   When we were at the bar with Esther, some guy was hitting on her and we were standing in a group of 4 while he talked. I found myself examining at him as he stared at his drink. He glanced up at me and caught me staring at him and rather than smile (which would have been flirtatious and a bit saucy, in my opinion) or even moving my eyes to the conversation at hand, I, with a suaveness the likes of which I'm sure you've never seen, awkwardly jerked my head to the opposite side of the room to look at the wall as if there was something fascinating happening on it. There wasn't. It was an empty ass wall.

   Also, as we stood in the doorway before he left, I casually DID THE WWE DX CROTCH CHOP AND SAID SUCK IT. Yes, I do that on a daily basis, but REALLY did I have to do that the second time we spoke? Really? I did? He looked really confused and then went "Did you just..." and I hung my head in shame and mumbled "...yes."

  Seriously... If anyone is available to smack me upside the head and tell me to get my shit together, it would be much appreciated. It's badly needed.

Over the Hills and Far Away

   It's funny how long things can seem to stay exactly the same for so long, and then how suddenly everything seems to change all at once.
   Mr. Fantasy asked his very-recently-new girlfriend to marry him. I'm not that upset about it. I'm not sure if I'm still in shock or just over it.
   I stayed up until 7am talking to a stranger this week- I guess we're not strangers anymore. :) We met through Esther, who has been friends with him for years.  We talked about a lot of things- past relationships, religion (his unwavering faith in God, my lack thereof), and politics (again, siding with opposite beliefs).  Somehow we barely noticed the hours passing and suddenly the sun was up.
   I'm trying so hard to evolve, emotionally. I read somewhere that introverts delude themselves into thinking they don't need anyone, and therefore they internalize everything, and end up emotionally underdeveloped because of it. I'm certain I'm in this situation, and thus am struggling to develop more personal relationships where I feel comfortable divulging things. So, when he asked me questions, I answered them. For the most part.
   When he tried to share my bed in the morning, I shrugged apologetically and got up. He left, after a few embraces, and went home.

   Last night I saw him again and he seemed a lot less interested. Naturally, this caused me to be maddeningly attracted to him. The more standoffish he became, the more fervently interested I became, and at the end of the night when he went home, I went to bed in a frenzy of restlessness and laughter, peppered with self-loathing.
   I was hoping the infatuation would have worn off by the time I woke up this morning, but no such luck. All day I've been wandering around dizzy, barely able to stop smiling for longer than a minute at a time. I'm stumbling around like a damn fool.

   He'll get a name if he comes to deserve one.  So... new beginnings, anyone? :)

We're Going to be Friends

   I believe that everything you consume with an open heart changes you. Some things, like love, come in like an explosion, destructing and rebuilding you from the inside out. Others creep in more quietly, gradually tugging at your mind or heartstrings, softly making room for themselves and letting you adjust to them.
   I have had the tremendously good fortune in my life to have had multitudes of such experiences. I've stayed up all night talking to people and walked away imagining I had a different mind, feeling their ideas whirring around in my head, brightening mental corridors I hadn't known were there. I've had countless books and albums recreate me in the days, hours and years I've spent absorbed in them.
   Here are some of them:

BOOKS

ISHMAEL - DANIEL QUINN

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND - ROBERT A. HEINLEIN

A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN - BETTY SMITH

LIFE OF PI - YANN MARTEL

SOMETHING HAPPENED - JOSEPH HELLER

THE STRANGER - ALBERT CAMUS

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - ARTHUR GOLDEN

1984 - GEORGE ORWELL

ALBUMS

THE WALL - PINK FLOYD

LONDON CALLING - THE CLASH

AUGUST AND EVERYTHING AFTER - COUNTING CROWS

THE SPARROW AND THE CROW - WILLIAM FITZSIMMONS

THE MOON AND ANTARCTICA - MODEST MOUSE

GRACE - JEFF BUCKLEY

MOS DEF AND TALIB KWELI ARE BLACK STAR - BLACK STAR

THE CLARENCE GREENWOOD RECORDINGS - CITIZEN COPE
ONE OF THE BOYS - KATY PERRY

MOVIES

DAZED AND CONFUSED

ALMOST FAMOUS

INTO THE WILD

PARIS, JE T'AIME

LAST DAYS

THE LIVES OF OTHERS

ONCE

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

   Also, every book Kurt Vonnegut's ever published, many more by Joseph Heller, and the TV show West Wing.

    What are yours, readers?