Over the Hills and Far Away

   It's funny how long things can seem to stay exactly the same for so long, and then how suddenly everything seems to change all at once.
   Mr. Fantasy asked his very-recently-new girlfriend to marry him. I'm not that upset about it. I'm not sure if I'm still in shock or just over it.
   I stayed up until 7am talking to a stranger this week- I guess we're not strangers anymore. :) We met through Esther, who has been friends with him for years.  We talked about a lot of things- past relationships, religion (his unwavering faith in God, my lack thereof), and politics (again, siding with opposite beliefs).  Somehow we barely noticed the hours passing and suddenly the sun was up.
   I'm trying so hard to evolve, emotionally. I read somewhere that introverts delude themselves into thinking they don't need anyone, and therefore they internalize everything, and end up emotionally underdeveloped because of it. I'm certain I'm in this situation, and thus am struggling to develop more personal relationships where I feel comfortable divulging things. So, when he asked me questions, I answered them. For the most part.
   When he tried to share my bed in the morning, I shrugged apologetically and got up. He left, after a few embraces, and went home.

   Last night I saw him again and he seemed a lot less interested. Naturally, this caused me to be maddeningly attracted to him. The more standoffish he became, the more fervently interested I became, and at the end of the night when he went home, I went to bed in a frenzy of restlessness and laughter, peppered with self-loathing.
   I was hoping the infatuation would have worn off by the time I woke up this morning, but no such luck. All day I've been wandering around dizzy, barely able to stop smiling for longer than a minute at a time. I'm stumbling around like a damn fool.

   He'll get a name if he comes to deserve one.  So... new beginnings, anyone? :)

Dress Me Like a Clown

    In bad times, I remember good times.  Through good times, I plan better times.  It's inevitable.  I'm hopelessly hopeful.  Neck-deep in cynicism, I'm still spinning sickly sweet conceptions that spiral beyond my mind's control.  Wallowing in bitter misery, I construct and reconstruct various fairy tale endings.  You grow up.  I calm my nerves.  We get it together. Whiny whispers creep back, draining my reserve, straining my (ears? heart? head?), making me desperate.  "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing. I mean... it's silly. It's stupid."  "Tell me."  "You won't laugh?" "Do I ever laugh at you?" 
     So much affection in nuances, in hushed laughter, in the closeness of our good nights.  Why do we always have to end up back together?  It's exhausting.  It's miserable.  It's exhilarating.  The way you can't hide your feelings.  The way I never let mine show with anyone else.  The easiness.  The simultaneous existence of comfort and nervousness.  Of familiarity and strangeness.  Oldness and newness.  Trust and suspicion.
     I'm so ambivalent, even though the decisions seem so obvious.  Especially to everybody else.  But they're not us.  And I'm sick of their input and their interfering and their inferences.  So my decision is this: I'm staying exactly where I am.  With you, without you, with you.  Wherever we end up, we'll see.  But I'm not any more prepared for the commitment or consequences than you are.  We stay in limbo because it's what we need from each other, and all either one of us can provide.  And some days it breaks my heart.  And some days I'm unsatisfied.  And some days I'm miserable.  But every day it's what I want.  You're what I want.  And maybe we'll grow into commitment and consequences, and maybe we'll grow apart.  I'm not placing any bets.  
     I'm just keeping us between us.  We're so much better that way.

You Can Bring Me Flowers

   I love this part.  It's perfect.  I get so hopelessly lost in everything you say.  I keep this part to myself.  I spend days on end smiling to myself.  I walk into tables and chairs in a dizzy bliss.  I'm enamored with every single word.  This is what no one else understands.  This is why we stay together.  This is why I stay with you.  Because you make me helplessly, deliriously, trip-over-myself happy.  And we're the only people who need to get that.
   Each snowflake enchants me as it falls past my face.  Somehow, in the dark and the cold, alone, I feel so complete.  We are fools. I am so grateful for our foolishness.
   I dissolve in every single smile.  We confront our agonizing history where your unapologetic neediness meets my repressed maternity.  And we transcend it where you coerce my nurturance out from within the self-defensive bitterness.
   It's so much sweeter to let myself succumb to the moment.  It's so rare that I relinquish even an instant of control.
     Are we finally going to figure this out?