99 Problems

   Today started at 4:58am. I woke up suddenly, noticed the clock and thought to myself "Man, there are those crazy people who wake up at times like this and then somehow don't fall asleep! What stupid assholes! Ha ha ha! What's wrong with them? They need to get it together! Thank God I am the master of slumber! I make dreams my bitch! If sleeping was a super power, I'd be the hero of the land! Of ALL lands! Ha ha ha stupid assholes with insomnia!"
   Then I, of course, lay awake for about five hours.
   Now, perhaps there are those of you out there wondering why the hell I didn't get up after, say, the first half hour, and that is because I am really, really, really stubborn. I was in severe denial about being one of those people I had laughed at derisively and was determined to fall back to sleep. It didn't happen.
   I got up at 9:42, made some breakfast, then sat at the computer until 10:06. Then I plucked my eyebrows and gazed lovingly at my own reflection until- oh shit! 10:12! I'm supposed to be out of the house in 3 minutes! And I have no makeup on and I'm not dressed and my hair is disgusting!
   It turned out to be a messy ponytail, blush and mascara kind of day.
   I got to school at 10:59 for my 11:00 class and decided to go to the library first to print out a paper for my 12:30 class. My first professor doesn't even take attendance, and my second one is pretty uptight, so this seemed like the right order.
   I went to a computer and took my sweater off as it turned on. Then I looked down and realized there was an extremely inappropriate amount of cleavage happening and had to put it back on. Annoyed, I made a mental note not to wear this shirt to school anymore.
   When I opened the e-mail I had sent myself with the homework files attached, I wanted to slap myself. I had saved them in .wps and the school's computer only opens .rtf which I am 100% aware of.
   I then remembered it's the 14th which, aside from being my parents' 36th wedding anniversary (Congrats guys!), is also the first day I need my iClicker for class.
   Cue mild panic attack.
   I realized then I was not going to make my first class. I hate missing classes. A lot. A whole whole lot. 
   I eventually resigned myself to this and decided to make the best of it. I started calling people to see who could open the files on a different computer, convert the format and send them back. Finally finding a willing sister, I asked a librarian where to find the stupid iClicker. After telling me it was going to set me back 50 bucks, she gave me directions to the University Bookstore, which I didn't understand a word of.
   I left and called Johnny, hoping for some clearer directions. He didn't answer. I wandered in a sort of frenzied haze until I heard from the distance: If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one!
   "Whaa?" I found myself wondering.
   Then I noticed it seemed to be coming from my pocket. Curiously, I removed my cell phone which was vibrating and, yes, supplying the sweet sounds of Jay-Z. Apparently that's my ringtone? This had escaped my notice for God only knows how long because my phone is constantly on vibrate. Johnny was calling me back. He gave me directions that made sense and I found the bookstore.
   By 12:30, I was in class, with the required assignments. I should mention that this is Writing 102. For some reason my English credits didn't transfer and I'm being required to take WRITING 102. It's mortifying. Except there's this one bearded, nature-y kid who I think is named Mark (who is totally 17) and he's extremely hot. Anyway, he came in a bit late and started to walk towards me. I got excited that he was going to sit next to me, and then he broke my heart by instead sitting in the open seat in front of me.
  In the middle of silently reassuring my bruised ego that he was just making the studious decision and not avoiding the creepy older chick who always has dirty hair, I looked to the front of the room and saw another bearded, nature-y guy. Confused, I looked at Mark sitting in front of me and realized it wasn't Mark. It was some kid named Matt. Mark was sitting in his usual seat. I spent the rest of class trying to decide which one was hotter until the kid who sits next to me (who is ALSO 17- I'm surrounded in them) looked at my paper, pointed at my name at the top, smirked and said "You have two first names!" I smiled and said "Yeah," (I'm a first-name-last-name... as in, my last name is also a first name) and then I got creeped out by myself for having to remind myself I could literally get arrested.
   Walking between classes, I kept noticing men very openly staring at me as I passed by them. I kept rushing to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have anything weird happening, because I really didn't look so cute. Glasses, dirty hair in a pony tail and almost no makeup? Seriously guys, have some standards. And I was still wearing my sweater, so they really have no excuse.
   During my third class, I suddenly noticed a remarkably strong smell of urine. I wrinkled my nose and wondered where it was coming from, looking around me condescendingly and judging everyone for being so gross. Then suddenly I got nervous and was like "Oh my God, what if it's ME? DO I SMELL LIKE PEE RIGHT NOW? DOES EVERYONE AROUND ME SMELL PEE AND IT'S ME AND I STINK LIKE PEE AND EVERYONE KNOWS? OH MY GOD!"
   I spent most of the next hour having that conversation with myself until class ended and I got out of the room and realized I, in fact, did not reek of urine. My sweater smelled kind of bad though, I'm not sure what was happening with that. I guess I don't remember the last time I washed it. I'll have to do that. Hopefully before I wear it out in public next.